I think my fart just growled at me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
