Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Semen is not good for contacts.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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