OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
