I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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