i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
