My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
