here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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