There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
