I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
