I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
