I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
