It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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