My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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