It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
