Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
