i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
