...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
