I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
