There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
