I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
