took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
