I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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