last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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