Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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