she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
