I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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