He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
