Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
