My hand turned me down
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
