It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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