Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Girls should come with a carfax report
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
