sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
