She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
