guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I understand Curling. That high.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
