dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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