Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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