meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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