remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
