Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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