ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
