my vag is so smooth its legendary
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
