I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
