Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
