We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
