have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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