how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
