I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
