I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
