I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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