I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
