I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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