Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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