So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
