I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
