Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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