I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
