My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
