I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
